Erased

"I hate getting flashbacks from things I don't want to remember."

I want to forget memories, not really forget, just remember them in the right time and for the best reason. I guess, everything makes sense. Even without a complete thought, we just tend to understand the whole of it. We were never smart, but were forever wise. Because we just let ourselves fall and we don't even care about it, even though we find ourselves trapped in a world full of selfishness. We see things, but we don't listen; Instead, make it just worst, for us to realize in the future that its just plain bullshit. There was nothing good, there was nothing to be happy about, just full of things we know we would regret.

Now, I realized. Every single tear I dropped didn't make sense. It's just foolishness. I cried at things that didn't matter, I cried at things that destroyed my own being, and I cried at things that changed me. I don't know myself anymore. I'm like a patient in a coma, just in bed for years and doesn't know what's happening in the world I'm living. I'm full bitterness. It happened couple of years ago, but I couldn't let go of it yet. It's just the most hurting thing I'd ever gone through. I'm still feeling the whole pain, because no one dared to help and fixed me. So, what will I do? Fixed myself? That's plain stupid. You couldn't fix yourself, because you can't see the damaged they had done to you. Everyday, I always remember every single pain I used to feel right at that moment. I wonder how I became strong and happy for the moment. I guess, I'm just living because I don't want to leave every single people that needed my help.

Every single day. I think of what life really means. I just want someone to listen, just listen, that's what I needed. But guess what, no one ever tried. I tried to control myself from preventing to die, every single day of this fucking life. I'm not yet fixed, I'm completely damaged. Nothing changed, just the fact that I become more weaker every single day. I want to hold on to someone, but all they tried to do is just let go of me. I'm tired of expecting too much. I don't want to feel that I have a chance of not being a lonely person. I had met different kinds of personalities already. Some are just like me, some are extraordinary and some are just not easy to figure out. They tried to touch my life, but they didn't tried to be a part of it or they didn't stayed too long. I have no one to run, I never ever didn't cried unto someone before. Because no one tried to give me shoulders to cry on. And if I'll trust them with these problems and shared everything about me, they'll just judge me and tell me how childish and selfish I am.

I'm still in-search of everything. But I feel like an outcast everywhere, I feel that I never belonged anywhere. I always pretend that I'm so happy that I have no problems. But the more I tried to keep it as a secret, the more I'm dying inside. I haven't got out of my shell yet. Because I'm afraid of different criticisms.

Story of My Life.
Better keep it as a secret, rather than to be judge without nothing to fight for.
I wish to be happy. Still enjoying my life to the fullest.

Lots of Love,
-- Angela. ;))